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This week has been really weird for me. Aside from the fact that school started this week, I have had a really hard time to blend back to this environment.

For about one and half month, I had been away from Singapore, away from school, away from friends. During this period of time, I rarely spoke English, hardly know what is the in-thing currently, never spoke to any of my English-speaking friends. Furthermore, I watched a lot of American shows on tv, a lot of local language shows. I just... it's just hard to switch back to Singlish, especially in school if I start to speak in an American accent which I caught on from the shows i watch, many people will give me the puzzled looks. Singlish is really a barrier that I just cannot break force. I want to connect with the people around me, but I cannot handle this language that they are so accustomed to.

Last year, I had had conflicts with my friends. Probably, many of them have a hatred for me by now. Once I stepped into class on the first day, not only was speaking to them in Singlish hard for me, speaking to them is a major problem that I just cannot fix. Usually when I had conflicts with people, I would not speak to them or anyone whom has affiliations with them. I believe that when I speak or even take notice of them, it would seem to them that I had broken my fences, and that I had lost the battle, that I am weak, that I just cannot seem to be able to live without them. I am just not that way. I do not wish to reconcile my relationships, or even think about them. I am not a person who leaves history to be history. I will ensure that history will remain as it is until the future.

Since, my connections with these people have been destroyed, and I do not wish to give in. I have only the PRC scholars whose realtionship with me was merely classmates. I want to be with them and be friends mostly because of several reasons. Firstly, I understand that they speak chinese well and are not the type of people who teases people's mistake like many of my "friends" are, so I was hoping that I can relate to them in Chinese and that they would correct my when I am wrong. Furthermore, they always try their best to translate to me whatever they were saying when I am confused. Secondly, my parents hoped that I can learn from them, their study habits because many of them have achieved great results after first year in Singapore. My parents wished that I could be as hardworking as them. So as a first step into doing this is to get closer to them. Slowly, maybe I will change for the better and eventually do great in my studies.

Well, I have had a hard time on the first week of school. Hopefully you have not.